Tag Archives: funny

TTF 082

Tuesday 4/5/2016

#ReasonsHumansWillGoExtinct #KurtCobain #IcelandPrimeMinister #Jordan #ChanceTheRapper

Wank Time

Sometimes you just need to have a wank. There’s no way around it.

We all have our biological breaking points. Lots of wank-sessions feel unearned, so when I notice myself getting irritable due to all the extra testosterone pumping through my veins, I feel a sense of calm wash over me when I realize it’s time for a wank.

Despite all the tits and ass on TV and Instagram the Culture still feels incredibly prudish. It’s as if the Pilgrims are still running things behind the scenes. Apparently we need sex as much as we need food yet lust somehow feels like a greedy extravagance.

If there’s no willing partner in the vicinity we all put our hands down our own pants. Whether you decide to go with some digital iPhone stimulation or analogue with some sexy memory-bank fantasies, these well-earned hand-shandies don’t usually last that long.

Just before the clean-up gets underway I’m usually struck by a curious feeling. I don’t feel ashamed yet I don’t exactly feel like a hero either.

Do ladies feel the same way after relieving themselves of excess horniness? Do they feel the same vacancy and detachment that I do when I stare down at the white puddles I’ve created on my bathroom floor?

In True Detective Season 1, Rust Cohle says “human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware.”

Through language we’ve tricked ourselves into believing we’re separate from our bodies. Nothing could be further from the truth. So relax, rub one out and float downstream.