Tag Archives: Five Reasons The End Is Nigh for The United States of America

Five Reasons The End Is Nigh for The United States of America

Lena Dunham recently said she’ll move to Vancouver if Donald Trump becomes President.

If this happens maybe she’ll do a Canadian version of Girls where everyone is really nice to each other all the time.

Like Lena I’m also considering what I’ll do if Donnie Darko assumes the throne and the USA goes to shit.

But here are five reasons why I think America may already be too far gone:

1. Tough Mudder

Bored white people weren’t content with Crossfit; they wanted to pay hundreds of dollars to exercise like a refugee illegally crossing a border. Tough Mudder fills this gap in the market with aplomb.

2. FroYo

Most women love it which is a good sign something sucks. Also, as a general rule, you shouldn’t eat something that sounds like a hairstyle.

3. Melissa McCarthy

It’s commonly known that when a casting director is looking for a “Melissa McCarthy-type” they’re after someone unfunny with zero screen presence. Bigger ain’t always better, baby.

4. Authenticity

Most of my Facebook friends are people I met once yet every day I read long press statements that begin with “Guys, it’s time I got real with all of you.” If I wanted authenticity I would watch my cat shit into her litter tray.

5. Tim Ferriss

Average Americans are using the words “systematize”, “funnel” and “optimal” far too often and I blame this smug fuck. Ferriss is what happens when you outlaw bullying in schools.

America is definitely circling the drain. But it’s our collective responsibility to try and keep the show going so that we can all enjoy one at least one more Pitch Perfect sequel before the lights go out permanently.

Sayonara Sluts!