Housewarming Party

Once I got locked out of my own housewarming party. This is how it happened.

Me and Kiri had just moved into our new one-bedroom apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn in early 2014. The place was looking pretty crummy when we moved in but after a couple weeks spent sprucing up the joint we were ready to have some friends over.

We spent the afternoon getting everything ready. A couple mates came round a little earlier so I could interview them for my podcast. At around seven or eight more guests started to arrive.

An Australian girl called Anna who I’d met once before arrived with her boyfriend Matt. I said hello to Anna and introduced myself to Matt.

There didn’t seem to be anything too peculiar about Matt upon first impressions. I offered him a beer and we chatted in the kitchen for a few minutes. I’d hit my vape after the podcast so I was feeling pretty jangly and he was in equally good spirits.

A party in a small apartment is funny because you can pretty much see and hear everyone else at all times. If you’re a snooping eavesdropper you’d love a party at our place.

I remember I was sitting on the couch talking to another friend when I noticed Matt was being particularly boisterous in the kitchen. He was gesticulating pretty intensely and his voice was the loudest at the party by a fair margin.

The night went on. I kept hitting my vape and crushed a few more beers. Strangers were talking to each other and everyone seemed like they were having a good time.

I walked into the kitchen to grab another beer when I ran into Matt.

“Hey man! Do you wanna go and get some coke?” Matt said.

“Ah, yeah ok.”

I still don’t know why I said yes. I was having a great time and didn’t need any coke. I especially didn’t feel like going on a coke-trek.

“Cool man,” Matt said. “I know a guy in the City. Can I borrow your phone so I can text him? I’m nearly outta battery.”

Me and Matt wandered over to let our partners know that we were going out to score some drugs. Kiri just shook her head and smiled where as Anna seemed genuinely annoyed by Matt.

Matt had already called an Uber so I had to get ready real quick. I was trying to find my keys when I realized Matt was super drunk. He started yelling at me telling me to hurry up.

“THE UBER’S OUT THE FRONT MAN! WE GOTTA GO!”

As I was walking down the stairs of my building I started to realize that going into the city with Matt maybe wasn’t the best idea.

We made it out the front and Matt started frantically scanning the street for our Uber.

“Hey man, I’ve changed my mind, I’m not coming into the city with you,” I said.

At that moment the Uber arrived out the front.

“DON’T BE A PUSSY! IT’S TOO LATE TO BACK OUT!”

“I’m not coming with you,” I said.

Matt was stuck between a rock and a hard place. His ride to coke-town was waiting but his belligerence had lost him his partner for the journey.

“MY PHONE’S DEAD MAN! I NEED YOUR PHONE TO CALL THE GUY.”

I considered the situation. I definitely didn’t want to ride with him into the city but at the same time I didn’t want to deprive a cat of his milk.

“Take it,” I said as I took my phone out of my pocket and handed it to him. “Just make sure you give it back to me when you come back.”

Matt snatched the phone out of my hand and jumped into the Uber.

Feeling relieved, I turned around to let myself back into my building. I quickly realized thanks to Matt rushing me I hadn’t actually taken my keys with me when I left.

Locked out, I tried buzzing my apartment. The buzzer was broken; we’d been meaning to get it fixed since we’d moved in. I tried yelling but it was a loud Saturday night and there was no way someone up in my apartment would be able to hear my voice calling from the street.

I slumped down on my stoop. What a dickhead. Locked out of his own party and it wasn’t even 9pm yet.

A black dude came out of the bar underneath my building to smoke a cigarette.

“What’s the matter man?” he said to me. “You look troubled.”

I gave the dude a quick recap of what had just gone down.

“You left your party to go get coke?”

“Yeah.”

He flashed a toothy smile.

“I have coke,” he said as he pointed to his jacket pocket.

This revelation made me feel like even more of a twat. The guy tried to sell me some powder but I politely declined. We chatted for a while longer as he finished his smoke before he want back inside the bar.

I eventually realized I could buzz my Super who lived in the apartment above me. I did just that and a couple minutes later I was back inside my party.

The night was a good one. I got drunk and did some Director’s Commentary over a few of my favorite YouTube videos for the party. Matt never returned which embarrassed Anna however I ended up getting my phone back from him a few days later so there was no harm done.

The moral of this story is always be a good host and never leave your own party. That and sometimes the exact thing you’re chasing can be found in the jacket pocket of a black guy a few floors below you.

TTF Mailing List
Sign up for news, lists & stuff.

Leave a comment