Category Archives: Blog

Five Reasons The End Is Nigh for The United States of America

Lena Dunham recently said she’ll move to Vancouver if Donald Trump becomes President.

If this happens maybe she’ll do a Canadian version of Girls where everyone is really nice to each other all the time.

Like Lena I’m also considering what I’ll do if Donnie Darko assumes the throne and the USA goes to shit.

But here are five reasons why I think America may already be too far gone:

1. Tough Mudder

Bored white people weren’t content with Crossfit; they wanted to pay hundreds of dollars to exercise like a refugee illegally crossing a border. Tough Mudder fills this gap in the market with aplomb.

2. FroYo

Most women love it which is a good sign something sucks. Also, as a general rule, you shouldn’t eat something that sounds like a hairstyle.

3. Melissa McCarthy

It’s commonly known that when a casting director is looking for a “Melissa McCarthy-type” they’re after someone unfunny with zero screen presence. Bigger ain’t always better, baby.

4. Authenticity

Most of my Facebook friends are people I met once yet every day I read long press statements that begin with “Guys, it’s time I got real with all of you.” If I wanted authenticity I would watch my cat shit into her litter tray.

5. Tim Ferriss

Average Americans are using the words “systematize”, “funnel” and “optimal” far too often and I blame this smug fuck. Ferriss is what happens when you outlaw bullying in schools.

America is definitely circling the drain. But it’s our collective responsibility to try and keep the show going so that we can all enjoy one at least one more Pitch Perfect sequel before the lights go out permanently.

Sayonara Sluts!

Distant Cousins

When I get high I put my most absurd thoughts into the ‘Notes’ section of my phone. It’s a good habit. Sometimes the ideas are great, other times it’s just total nonsense, but being able to remind yourself of your stoned minutiae the next morning is better than losing the thought altogether.

Last Friday night I wrote this short rant about how strange it must be for monkeys to see humans who are still biologically the same as monkeys completely running the world. I used the analogy of a bunch of cousins who all grow up together and then one cousin gets a little more advanced at life and then nek minute he’s putting his cousins in cages. Hardly an original thought but I don’t know what to tell you I must’ve had chimp on the brain.

There is a certain rush you get when a new idea floats into your brain. I feel an exhilarating jolt of energy. It’s like you’ve been given a new tool that could help you at some point in the future.

It seems that our ability to harness and communicate this creativity is one of the things that differentiates humans from other great apes. The ability to share information allows us to solve problems collectively and form tight-knit communities.

Ideas are like fish that swim through your stream of consciousness. Some ideas get mauled as you wrench them out of the stream, others look completely different out of the water compared to underneath the surface and some are visible but seemingly impossible to catch.

I don’t really give a fuck about what type of clothes someone wears. I don’t care which bank they use. I’m most interested in their ideas.

Some folks speculate that when we go fishing for ideas we’re all dipping into the same collective consciousness. At this stage in the game I think it’s impossible to ascertain how real this theory is and to me it really doesn’t matter.

Whether or not we’re all drinking from the same conceptual water, I do my best to look after my section of the stream. I want to catch as many good fish as possible. And it’s comforting to know that no matter how stoned I am, thanks to the Internet I’ll get to share in the spoils eventually.

Male Pornstar

We all have an idea about what type of girl who gets into porn but have you wondered about the dudes who get involved in the “adult industry”?

I have done zero research on the subject so this entire post will be complete speculation.

When I used to look for acting gigs on Craigslist I’d see hundreds of ads looking for hot male talent. They were usually really short and vague. Six-pack abs required, fantastic opportunity, earn thousands of dollars.

I met a dude on a indie film shoot who was once fooled into responding to one of these ads. He’d been offered $5,000 to jerk off in front of a webcam. He politely declined.

Things may have changed however I was under the impression that guys who wanted to break into porn would have to “go gay” in the beginning. This boggles my mind. I can’t think of any other trade in the world where arse-fucking is an integral part of your apprenticeship.

Everyone watches porn. Guys all around the world fantasize about fucking the hottest pornstars. So why don’t more guys try and become pornstars?

For a start, not every Tom, Dick and Harry has a cock fit for porn. In most pornos the ladies get fucked and the gents do the fucking. Even if Tom and Harry are jacked up on cialis they’ll struggle to keep up with Dick’s relentless donkey cock.

But perhaps there’s more going on here. There’s a few good documentaries about how even the most assured female pornstars get fucked over society’s by disapproving glare. I would argue male performers also have to deal with this shaming but to a much lesser degree.

Every mother wants their son to be popular with the ladies but I can’t imagine any mother wishing their boy would grow up, shave his ball-sack and start slinging dick on camera. Same goes for the vast majority of Dads.

There is something vaudevillian about pornstars. I once heard Marc Maron describe them as “sex clowns”. Like an acrobat, mime or juggler you’re there to watch them perform their special trick and any element of their real personality is completely surplus to requirements.

It’s funny because with other artists like musicians or film directors we’re just as interested in the person who creates the art as the piece of art itself. We want to know how Jack White channels his Catholic work ethic into recording studio practices, we want to find out how giving up coke changed the way Martin Scorsese makes his films. But no one cares about what experience or worldview makes you stuff some anal beads into your butthole in a certain way.

Porn is perhaps the most primal form of entertainment available. The guys who get into porn must be the type of dudes who are okay with being small phallic-shaped cogs in a giant machine. And let’s face it, when we cum are we ever really thinking about art?

Trade Show

I fucking hate trade shows.

Last year I was entrusted with organizing a trade show for this company I used to work for. It was a huge photography trade show that took place at the Javits Center in the middle of Manhattan.

A few months beforehand I felt that I had everything under control. As we got closer to the event I realized a few logistical elements were gonna come down to the wire but I was still confident that everything would come together in time.

The weekend before the show I flew to California for Beach Goth Fest 2014. Beach Goth is an annual psychedelic music festival that’s run and headlined by a band called The Growlers. I had a fun weekend, nothing too debaucherous, and I caught a red-eye back to New York on Sunday night.

I landed and caught a cab from the airport straight to the office. As I began to load the truck with all the trade show gear I began to feel the onset of some type of sickness. Stiff neck, lightheadedness and a fever.

The next few days were an absolute nightmare. For a variety of reasons I was nowhere near ready for the show that was scheduled to begin on the Thursday. And with each passing minute I started to feel worse.

The main issue was that due to some bad information I’d received from the organizers, I was unable to load all our gear from the truck into the Javits Center through the freight entrance. This meant I had to haul all our heavy gear (we had a collapsible steel booth) in through the front entrance and up several flights of stairs by hand.

By Thursday I was a physical wreck. If I’d seen a doctor on the Tuesday I could’ve easily gotten a note telling me to stay home for the rest of the week but if I couldn’t as I was the only one who knew how to set up the booth. I’m guessing I picked up some type of vicious virus at some point during my time in Cali.

My troubles didn’t end there. For the next few days I had to work at the trade show whilst feeling like Satan was living inside me.

For starters, who the fuck likes going to trade shows? If you’re one of these people and you’re in my life do me a favor and delete my number from your phone.

As far as I could gather the people who love trade shows the most are crusty old men who love free shit.

Personally I hate free shit. The problem with free shit isn’t the free shit itself it’s the fact you have to be around people who love free shit to get the free shit.

I also think business owners severely overestimate how much a trade show could potentially help their business. The only trade shows that make any broader impact are those that carry weight outside their industry i.e. The Oscars, The Tony’s, The Grammy’s etc. A sixty-five year old man called Rupert from Wyoming really isn’t gonna help bring your business to the masses just because he dug your free fridge magnet.

The thing that bugs me the most about trade shows is their artificial nature. Why are we so intent on creating make-believe worlds and communities inside soulless convention centers?

But that’s a slippery line of thinking.

Does your life lack sustenance? Are you stuck inside a plastic capitalistic nightmare like the narrator from Fight Club? Are you too unimaginative to summon your inner Tyler Durden to break you free?

Are you living your life stuck inside a trade show?

Catnip Conundrum

Catnip has always been pretty mysterious to me.

I didn’t grow up with cats. Somehow the first time I ever came across the concept of catnip was when Shrek 2 came out when I was a teenager. There’s a section of that movie where the filmmakers parody “Cops” and Puss in Boots gets caught with a bag of the good stuff.

I remember being puzzled. How the fuck did I not know about catnip?

I eat meat and I definitely don’t love animals as much as some people do. But I’m not a psychopath and don’t like the idea of harming animals unnecessarily.

A few months back I went round to my friends John and Shelley’s apartment for some Saturday night drinks. Shelley owns a skittish cat who hides whenever there’s new people inside the apartment.

At some point during the night John coerced the cat out of it’s hiding place and got him fucked up on nip.

It was such a bizarre scene to witness. The cat was sprawled out on his back and his eyes were rolling into the back of his head. He didn’t look like he was having fun; he looked messed up.

Maybe it was because I was stoned myself, but when I looked into the cat’s eyes, I could kind of understand how he was feeling. He was dealing with the feeling you get when you’ve eaten a really strong edible and you find yourself at an intimate house party with bad lighting and strange people. Extreme paranoia and heart-stopping anxiety.

Another friend of mine Chips told me about a time where he came home one night and his cat began to maniacally lick his boots. He’d been working out in the country and must of stepped through some catnip during the day.

A little while later Chips found his cat lying on his bed completely spaced out in a stoned stupor. He said he threw on a Pink Floyd compilation onto his soundsystem, turned it up to 11 and closed his bedroom door. He checked on his cat an hour later and the little guy hadn’t moved a muscle.

What puzzles me about catnip as that most people who give it to their cats are probably against using animals for drug testing.

I’m aware that catnip isn’t harmful to a cat’s biology but surely high doses of catnip could potentially cause mental scarring. I know Chips’ cat probably went on some dark psychedelic journey thanks to the nip and Floyd combo.

Me and Kiri recently adopted a cat called Hilary. A few days after she arrived we dosed her with some catnip. She had a three hour experience which was pretty funny to watch despite these ethical reservations that are percolating in my head.

I guess it’s hard with a recreational drug like catnip because you can’t ask your kitty straight-up if they’re down to party. What do you do if you’re cat’s an addict? No one wants to live with a junkie.

Next time I trip I might give Hilary some nip. Perhaps she’ll somehow be able to let me know whether she’s cool with getting high recreationally. Two species; one love.